


The Blues, the Reds, and Those Damn Hospital Beds

by AfterTheTempest (orphan_account)



Series: One Big, Broken Family [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: ALSO I DO NOT MEAN TO ROMANTICIZE CANCER IN THIS FIC, Alcohol, CHURCH JUST FINALLY LEARNS TO MOVE ON AND LOVE CABOOSE, Caboose has memory problems, Church has no self confidence, Church is bisexual, Death, Depression, Doc and Donut have a kinda open relationship with Grif and Simmons, Donut is genderfluid, Grif is FTM, Grif is gray-asexual, IT MAY HAVE BEEN AFTER CABOOSES CANCER WAS NOTICED BUT I DO NOT MEAN TO ROMANTICIZE IT!!!!!, Implied Suicide Attempts, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, It's past Chex, M/M, Multi, Other, Simmons has a fake leg because hes a cyborg, Simmons is agender and asexual, Tex is aromantic, Tucker is pansexual, Wash has nightmares, a few deaths?????, a few people, caboose has heterochromia, caboose is in the hospital sometimes, church also gets some nightmares, churchs nightmares might be a little triggering/violent?, death mentions, each chapter will have more specific warnings probs, haha ye uh people die, him and grif can be trans pals, im making tucker ftm, junior is only mentioned briefly, possible suicide/suicide attempts later, tw cancer mention, tw nightmares, tw self hate, tw slurs, wash panromantic asexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:04:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1894941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AfterTheTempest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael is a special case, unable to live on his own he rooms with his longtime friend Leonard and his roommate Lavernius. Michael affectionately calls the group 'Blue Team' which includes Lavernius' current boyfriend, David. In the home next door are old friends of the Blue Team, Franklin, Dexter, and Dick. While Dexter and Dick are involved they have a more open relationship with Franklin and Franklin's boyfriend Frank (affectionately nicknamed 'Doc' due to him attending a nursing school.) and they all share a large house, forming what Michael calls the 'Red Team'. They all have gained nicknames over time, last names and even sometimes butchered or mispronounced last names. Michael likes to call himself 'Caboose', a butchered version of his odd last name. Leonard is 'Church', Michael could never pronounce his actual last name. Lavernius is 'Tucker' while David is 'Washington', they state he moved from to Texas. Frank is of course 'Doc' while Franklin's last name is mispronounced into 'Donut'. Dexter and Dick are Grif and Simmons respectively. For the most part no one minds, they all strive to help Michael with his broken life. They really have no reason to protest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters may be a bit short but I'll try to get them longer!  
> Okay, so this is probably going to be long as an overall fic. I tried to include a lot of representation because I know a lot of people are not represented, I also feel like the RVB gang (everyone included in this fic) would all be a bit different. It may seem overdone but you know, I don't care, I care about representation and if you feel I'm representing something wrong contact me about it. I'll also take suggestions for this, no guarantee if it'll happen though. (You can also contact me on tumblr as agt-wash)

_Michael had always had a shoddy memory and this led to him doing things a bit repetitively at times. Early checks for any issues with his head hadn't brought a solid answer forwards but as it may he could never really afford a quality doctor. His mother had raised him alone as well as with his sisters. Eventually he grew up and was able to move out. Unable to be alone he lived with two people who he was well acquainted with, Leonard and Lavernius. Affectionately he called them both the thing closest sounding to their last names, Church and Tucker. Together they made up the Blue Team, living in Blue Base, their nice enough house was colored a nice blue and mostly they tended to wear clothing with shades of blue, for them it stuck. Leonard and Lavernius accepted this, Michael was in his own world and going along with it was the way they thought to help._

_Michael was happy._

* * *

"Michael!" Leonard's voice echoed down the hall and Michael stirred in his bed, he never was too heavy a sleeper. As he sat up he pushed the mop of blond hair from his eyes and smiled.

"Church!" He called back, his naturally loud voiced reached easily back to Leonard.

"Just get up and come downstairs Mich- _Caboose_ ," Leonard sighed as he corrected himself, Michael responded to things better if they went along with the universe he built in his head, where he was called Caboose. " _Tucker_ has  _Washington_ over, we're going to play games, okay?" Lavernius' current boyfriend (if they even were truly dating or just friends with benefits Leonard would never know) David had been nicknamed Washington by Michael, named after the state he was born in.

"Wash is here! Why didn't you say so!" Anything that came out of Michael's mouth seemingly ended in exclamation points, always excited for seemingly nothing. Leonard would always shake his head at that, wondering how 'that damn kid could always be so happy' he would mumble it but Michael always heard it. He always listened to what Church said.

Granted, listening and fully comprehending were two different things. And sometimes Michael had trouble with the latter. As the tall man pulled himself out of bed he stretched. At various points through the day he'd take naps, this was partially due to minor headaches and partially due to being tired from being hyperactive. But nobody really minded as long as Michael was awake for the things he should participate in. Game night was one of those things. Sometimes it would only be Leonard and Michael but Lavernius usually joined. Nearly every other week David was there too. But he tended to sit quietly at the table beside Lavernius, he didn't always play but every time he was there Leonard's cat managed to find its way to him. As Michael came running down the stairs he nearly tripped over the pajama pants that pooled around his feet. Leonard merely rolled his eyes at that.

"Come on, everyone's waiting. Also, we're getting you a haircut soon," Leonard said, turning away from Michael to head into the kitchen to join the others at the table. Michael watched the man tiredly go, glasses resting low on his nose, sock-clad feet plodding on. The blond just followed cheerily after, he realized Leonard was sure looking tired these days. The strain of working from home and being Michael's main caretaker was getting to him bit by bit. 

Now, don't get him wrong, Michael was a sort of light in his life. Granted he was a fucking annoying light. Either way the house wasn't as quiet with the blond around and he was pretty sure that was a good thing. 

Ever since Allison left thing had gone downhill. Leonard didn't leave the house much and there was a rift between the man and Lavernius. At least now he was working again. But sleep was still hard to come by.

Especially since Michael had the same blond hair as Allison. One of the man's eyes was a deep brown, also like Allison. The other was a deep blue and Leonard swore that was the only thing that let him look at Michael without a stinging loss in his chest. He hated it though, because why the hell did Michael have to look vaguely similar to her. It made Leonard want to love him and hate him all at once so he settled on neither. He treated Michael well and watched over him. He pushed any and all emotional attatchment aside because he thought that maybe he wasn't capable of loving someone properly. He still felt like he could have done something different to make Allison stay.

But he knew he couldn't. Because she didn't. Maybe she never did. He wanted to blame her for his hard time coping. But really, he knew it wasn't her fault. It would never be her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

But it still hurt.

So he sat down and watched as Michael took the seat beside him, asking loudly what game they would be playing.

* * *

_Allison had never sugarcoated anything. Especially not to Leonard. Sometimes things were tossed into the air, words, phrases, some regretted, some not. But this time there was no fight. Allison just sat Leonard down at the table and started talking._

_Leonard was lost in the sea of words. He wanted to focus on everything but he couldn't. He focused on her low blonde ponytail and dark brown eyes. Because the words hit him in the chest and the view of her made his chest lighten. He tried to find a balance because he swore he felt his chest splitting at her words._

_"I'm not in love with you." Leonard gave a slow nod at her words._

_"I don't know if I ever was." Leonard's jaw clenched and he tried not to flinch._

_"I can't pretend anymore." Leonard's shoulders shook and he managed a 'You should have never tried to.'_

_"You may have been an insufferable prick." Leonard just nodded, wanting her to stop talking so he could have time to just be upset._

_"But I_ was _happy for a length of time." Leonard was barely able to manage an 'I was too."_

_"I need to leave now." Leonard nodded, breaking eye contact._

_Allison rose from the table, resting a hand on Leonard's shoulder. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship knowing I wouldn't return feelings."_

_"I'm sorry I made you feel obligated to be with me," Leonard's words were soft and Allison mumbled something akin to an 'I forgive you' before walking out the door._

_It wasn't the first time she left but Leonard tried not to break because he knew it would be her last._

_The thing was though, after Allison left and Lavernius arrived home Leonard hadn't cried. It hurt like hell but he felt something settle over him. He felt like he was moving through water and his emotions were all over. His chest felt tight and he finally cried because he may have wanted Allison to be lying, he wanted to be mad, he wanted a lot of things. But he only felt an acceptance settle over him. He didn't own Allison or her emotions, he realized that soon enough. Leonard also had it brought to attention that maybe he wasn't as much of a prick as Lavernius had told him._

* * *

By the end of their game Leonard was having a hard time focusing on anything. All he knew was that David won and that was the only thing he needed to know before getting up without a word and heading to bed. Michael watched him go, this was a common occurrence. Sometimes Leonard needed space so slowly he got up, returning to his own room, leaving David and Lavernius to be alone.

There was a slight ache behind his forehead and he sat on his bed, willing the pain to go down as he thought of something he could do to help Leonard. The older man had always made sure Michael was comfortable so somehow he wanted to return the favor. Everyone knew Leonard needed it. The way he always walked around with tired eyes and the way he would yell at Lavernius about an 'Allison' when Michael should have been sleeping. Those were bad nights. Those were the nights where Michael could hear how upset Leonard was. He had a hard time comprehending and dealing with things at time but he knew Leonard was still upset sometimes and he wanted to help more than anything.

The blond didn't really know about romantic emotions, he sometimes didn't really understand most emotional connections. All he knew was that he wanted to take care of Leonard.

He wanted to help Church. Return the favor.

So with a pounding behind his forehead he shuffled down the hall before stepping lightly into Leonard's room.

"Church?"

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Church?"

"What do you want?" Leonard was sitting at his desk, leaned over. His black hair was a mess and glasses sat abandoned on the wooden surface. Michael slowly stepped into the room. He heard footsteps pass the room, Lavernius. David probably went home already, he didn't stay over much. "Make it quick."

"You seem tired." Michael didn't really know what to say, he only knew that Leonard looked tired. And sad. 

"Thanks, I couldn't tell," the older snapped, he slammed some pictures down on the desk and Michael jumped. "If that's all then get ou-"

"Who's Allison?" He didn't mean to say it. The words were out of his mouth before he knew it. Honestly, he lacked a filter. As soon as he said it he knew that wasn't the right thing to say. He watched as Leonard's shoulders tensed, he watched his fists clench. A slight shake seemed to run through the man and Michael took a step back as Leonard exploded. He was out of his chair and standing in front of Michael. While he was taller Leonard's anger made him seem impossibly bigger, eyebrows scrunched, face red.

"Where did you hear that name?" Michael flinched. He'd never been yelled at.

"Y-You..I heard you.."

"Do not bring that name up around me _ever_ again." Leonard felt his entire being crack when he heard her name. Of course, he'd forgiven her but that didn't stop him from being ripped apart whenever she was mentioned. He _loved_ her. But as seconds passed he'd realized he fucked up. Michael held his arms close to his chest and his eyes were filling rapidly with tears. 

"I-I'm sorry Church..I just w-wanted to know.." Michael dropped his gaze to the carpeted floor and swallowed nervously. A small tremor overtook him, a few tears dripping down his cheeks. Leonard looked up, fists unclenching as he realized just who he had snapped at.

"Mi- Caboose. Hey man.. I... I didn't mean it, buddy. I just." Leonard gave a frustrated sigh. "I didn't mean it, okay? I just don't like talking about her." The dark haired man raised a hand to gently rest on Michael's shoulder, the younger flinched at first and Leonard's chest tightened. "Go to bed okay?"

Michael dragged his feet on the way to his own room. He just wanted to help and of course he messed up again. Like always. Regardless he made it to his room and put on a shaking smile, no use going to sleep upset. Besides, Church got mad a lot! This wasn't any different!

Right?

Brushing tears off his eyelashes he managed to finally lay in bed, Leonard's angry voice echoed in his head and his headache took over, making his eyes squeeze shut. Headaches were not new to Michael but coupled with the echoes of Leonard's anger it seemed unbearable. An ache in his head, an ache in his chest. So he lay there, unable to cry, unable to sleep. That's when Michael first realized something was wrong, but nothing clicked, he had gotten pains before, so this wasn't new. So he decided not to mention it.

No big deal.

* * *

Tuesdays were usually quiet. Usually Lavernius would sit on the couch, David beside him, Leonard's cat asleep on his lap. The blond would put an arm around the younger and soon Michael would join them, taking the middle of the couch. He would put on Animal Planet most days but if not a game show would be on and David would be getting frustrated at 'dumb contestants' while Lavernius rolled his eyes. Later Leonard would join them, sitting on the end of the couch beside Michael. Most times Friday plans would be discussed and they would watch TV for a few hours before bed, just spending the night together.

However this Tuesday Michael left in the middle of his favorite show to go to sleep due to a headache. Leonard watched him go with a frown, this hadn't happened before. But he sure as hell wasn't going to make a big deal, Michael did tend to get headaches. So without talking he took the remote and put on a different show. Soon David had an arm around Lavernius' shoulder and the younger was dozing. Deciding to leave them alone, Leonard slowly rose from the couch, a soft sigh puffing out from his lips as he then turned and headed for the stairs.

He had a feeling things were changing and he wasn't sure why.

* * *

Michael loved sleepovers. Especially ones that included him and Franklin. And even on a good day Dexter would join, that was if Dick was working late. It was a Thursday night and Franklin was currently putting a generous amount of makeup on Michael's cheeks as the three of them sat and chatted in Franklin's room.

"Gruff..Gr.. Grif! How do I look?" Michael stuttered out a correct pronunciation of the man's last name and he looked up from where he was draped over a beanbag.

"Gorgeous," the darker skinned man yawned out, setting his head back down.

"Damn right!" Franklin laughed, shifting a bit to get comfortable in his skirt as he continued to apply makeup.

"Donut is good at this!" Michael said, a grin spreading over his face.

"Maybe we should put makeup on Doc when he gets back!" Franklin laughed a bit at his own words, imagining his boyfriend caked in makeup.

"Yes! And Simmons!" Michael put his own input, causing Dexter to snicker a bit.

"Oh man, no way in hell would they be open to that idea."

"We should ask!" Franklin smiled back at Dexter as he finished making Michael look pretty. Dexter smiled back, Franklin had applied his own makeup first.

"Ask me what?" A head peeked into the room, red hair messy, eyes tired.

"Simmons! Makeup!" Michael wriggled a bit in excitement from where he sat on the floor. "Please?"

The redhead pondered the idea for a moment, finally they sighed stepping into the room. 

"Well, I guess. Only if Grif does it too." They smirked a bit and their boyfriend rolled his eyes.

"Fine."

* * *

56 minutes later Dexter and Dick were both sporting some flashy makeup thanks to Franklin when Frank had arrived home. He was quickly dragged into the room and soon joined the makeup caked group, sporting some nice, purple eye shadow. For the whole night they sat around and chatted. At one point it ran through most of their heads that everyone really did care for Michael. They all tried to go to extreme lengths to make the man happy and comfortable. Maybe it was just because he had a hard time with things and understanding.

Either way everyone had reasons for taking care of Michael.

These reasons ranged from being a friend to just feeling bad. Either way Michael was taken care of by a large group of people and he really didn't even realized how much people cared for him.

* * *

By Sunday Michael was having another bad headache. He didn't dare try to sit up, stuck in bed. Leonard mistakenly assumed the younger was napping. He really had no reason to be concerned about the blond's health. He had minimal issues, usually he was fine. Michael hadn't come to him with any complaints, so naturally he assumed nothing was wrong. 

That was until he heard a thump and saw someone struggling down the stairs and a strangled noise that suspiciously sounded like 'Church.' Leonard was by Michael's side in seconds.

"C-Church? It hurts." Michael's eyes were squeezed shut and he lifted a hand to his head as he slowly sat up.

"Your head? Is it bad?" Leonard spoke quietly, kneeling beside the younger man.

"Y-Yeah. It's b-bad." Leonard watched as the blond swallowed thickly, not daring to open his eyes.

"Here, come on. Let's get you to the car. Can you walk?" Words tumbled from the older man's mouth and Michael managed a nod, standing shakily. "I'll tell L- Tucker we're going out.

* * *

In three minutes Leonard found himself in the driver's seat of his car, Michael curled up in the backseat.

In thirty minutes he was parked outside the hospital and trying to coax Michael out of the car. The younger was crying quietly and holding his head, complaining about a stomach ache through hiccups.

In a forty minutes Leonard was nervously bouncing his leg in the waiting room and ignoring a call and seven texts from Franklin.

By this point Leonard lost track of time.

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

It had been an hour since Leonard frantically drove Michael to the hospital but it felt like days. It felt endless and Lavernius called him nearly twenty times before he seemed to give up. At one point Leonard had nearly answered because all he could think about was how Lavernius got mad when he was worried and how he was probably going to be livid when he got home. He also thought about how Franklin was a nervous crier and how he probably left his neighbor and Michael's friend in tears by not answering. He tried to ignore the feelings washing over him, in all he felt like an asshole. Well, he knew he was one but he just wanted to justify his actions. Think of a reason why he ignored him.

For the love of everything Leonard could not think of a single reason.

From this realization he was taken back to dark times, after Allison. That was when everything was for him and no one else because he was hurt and he did not want to hurt anymore. In the end everything just ended up shitty. So he tried to change.

Change consisted of taking care of Michael and working again. He wasn't sure which lifestyle he had preferred. That thought made him feel like hell again so he sank into the uncomfortable seat and waited.

* * *

Furious would not describe Lavernius. It was an anger that was unrecorded. Fists were clenched and a glare was set on his face. So when Leonard tiredly stumbled into the house, arm around Michael to support him as he helped the tired young man to his room he prepared himself for a fight. When he had come back down the stairs Lavernius exploded, just as Leonard expected.

"Did you think it was funny to do that again? Not just to me but to everyone else, especially Franklin. You are a fucking dick." The man's words were hard and cold and Leonard would have rather had the yelling.

"I know."

"Damn right you do. Only someone so fucking messed up would ever dare worry the people who care about them like that." Leonard swallowed thickly, guilt taking over the whole of his being.

"I don't want to do this right now."

"Like you have a damn choice." Lavernius' words were spat out so violently Leonard nearly flinched. "You fucked up you need to get it through your thick skull."

"Michael isn't okay." That was all he knew to say, his chest stung from Lavernius' words but he couldn't find an ounce of blame in his body because he knew that the other man had been terrified. Leonard had scared him before and he didn't know how to react, he got angry. He wished he could get mad, yell back, but at this point he couldn't.

At least his last sentence shut the shorter man up. A tense pause filled the room and Leonard felt he was going to be sick, he was so fucked up. They were so fucked up. Everything was fucked up and he wasn't sure how to deal with it because suddenly everything hurt and he remembered Allison and he knew she would have been able to get through this. She was his fucking light and he hated being hopelessly in love. He hated feeling like he was broken because he was not but it still hurt. Leonard was not broken. He did not need to be fixed. 

"Cancer. Terminal. They don't know how much longer."

Lavernius seemed to be even more silent, breath caught in his throat. Michael. Lively, prankster, dumb, amazing, sweet, _Michael_.

"I don't want details." Leonard thought that was a dumb thing for his friend to say, as if not hearing about it would make it go away.

"He doesn't get it. He doesn't know. He doesn't fucking get it!" Leonard's words were small in such a big moment and his voice shook and he was so angry and so broken because Michael just didn't get it. He didn't process death. He was innocent, he was a fucking child and Leonard was nearly shaking with anger.

"Tell Franklin. Tell the others." Lavernius' words were gentle and soft again and he didn't make eye contact and Leonard couldn't say no.

* * *

 Franklin was at a loss for words. The news hit him in the chest and he sunk to the ground, knees pressing hard against the wood floor of the kitchen. Doc crouched beside him and put a hand on his shoulder as the smaller got all choked up.

Dick simply left the room, feeling sick. It didn't seem real to them and they ended upstairs, silent, sitting. Dexter soon followed, joining to the silence. They sat together as they heard Franklin's cries from downstairs.

"He can't! He c-can't d-die!" The words ripped from Franklin's throat and no one had ever heard him so shattered, down on the ground, holding his head. "This is fucked u-up! Why h-him? He doesn't d-deserve this.." The words turned into ragged breaths and hiccups.

In movies when people cry it isn't really portrayed accurately. Franklin realized that. There he was, on the ground, breathing shaky and hiccups making his chest heave. Tears and snot were both on his face, it was disgusting and he grew angry. Why was this romanticized? Crying was terrible and disgusting.

"Make the most of his life." Leonard spoke softly and quietly. "Make him know he matters."

It was then that Leonard finally decided to take his own advice.

So he walked back home and quietly stepped into the dark house. Lavernius was on the couch, watching TV, David was sat next to him. They both seemed unfocused and Leonard just walked past them and to his room. He sat at his desk, pushing the scattered photos of Allison away. He wondered if anything would ever stop hurting. A long time ago he decided that pain was too prominent to ever disappear. But now he wanted to hope it would go away because he couldn't live like this. Everyone he cared about was changing and disappearing and he found himself always stuck in memories, remembering how things were. It was getting unhealthy and he couldn't help it. He needed to escape.

Before he fell asleep his last thought was about Michael. He wondered if he would ever understand how much everyone was hurting for him.

Leonard wasn't sure if he wanted the younger man to understand or not by this point.

* * *

Two days later Leonard found himself up early, packing two lunches. Everyone had been pampering Michael but the older man felt like he needed to do the best. He felt like he owed the taller man something. Maybe it was because after Michael he stopped thinking of Allison as much. 

Maybe it wasn't.

But either way Leonard had a cooler in hand as he woke Michael, told him to get his ass up and ready to go to the zoo. He found himself smiling as Michael's eyes lit up and tried to ignore the wince from head pains as the younger stood. After he was dressed the two headed to the car and Michael bounced excitedly in the passenger seat, turning the radio on fairly loud and ignoring the dull ache in his head. Leonard just drove, silent, he thought about Allison and Michael and nothing and everything as the blond babbled.

"Are we going to see every animal, Church!" It was a question, but Michael managed to turn it into an excited statement, leaving Leonard to smile softly and glance over at him.

"Sure, whatever, if we can." 

Leonard didn't let much change between them. Of course he had a plan to make Michael's life something that was worth it, something he'd be happy with. Like a school project that you work hard on, the grade doesn't matter if you really worked on it usually. You want to be happy with it. But he didn't want it to be fake and so it still got tense. He got frustrated a lot with Michael, just like always. But Michael seemed happier regardless. Leonard would do anything to see that huge grin sweep across the younger man's face.

He just didn't know it yet.

Right now, in this car, Leonard knew he wanted Michael to smile and do things that made him happy. He knew that he felt he owed Michael for changing his life. He knew that thinking about Allison hurt a little less when Michael was there. He never considered having romantic feelings, Michael was sick, he was fucked up to hell, they wouldn't really work out.

Some things aren't worth a risk.

Leonard did not want to take a risk.

* * *

Leonard didn't necessarily like zoos.

Michael loved them.

So, Michael grabbed Leonard's hand and pulled him excitedly to exhibits. As he pointed at animals he'd rock back and forth on his feet and talk rapidly, excitedly. They had barely covered half the zoo before they paused for lunch. Michael chose a nice picnic table and Leonard just followed, sitting down and setting out food. In fifteen minutes they were finished and soon the older found himself buying a balloon which soon ended up tied to Michael's left wrist. It was dark blue and god, if Leonard could he'd pay to see the look that crossed the taller's face every single day. It was the biggest damn smile in the world and Leonard merely rolled his eyes, Michael didn't take it personally though, of course.

How could he?

Leonard always took care of him in the end, Michael could never be mad at him. He was his best friend after all. Well, besides Franklin. Either way Michael was happy. The older man had paused working and took him to the zoo! Of course he was happy! The taller had even managed to get Leonard to take pictures of him, of them both, of animals, on his phone so Michael could look at them forever.

Leonard didn't want to say that Michael didn't have forever. Almost the opposite really. But there was no way in hell he had the heart to do that.

Instead, he filled his phone with pictures of Michael smiling that he swore he would delete later.

By the end of the day Michael was drowsy, just like a kid, and Leonard's feet were sore. So they got in the car and started home, Michael fell asleep in the backseat and the older man kept an eye on him, checking on him every once in a while. Once they were home Michael went right upstairs for a nap while Leonard stood in the kitchen with Lavernius.

* * *

"He needs to know."

"I know, I know. But.."

"But what, Leonard? This isn't something you hide! This isn't something dumb or petty!"

"I know, Lavernius. But-"

"No! He's fucking _dying_ we..need to tell him."

Lavernius choked up a little and Leonard even winced a bit at the bluntness.

It was true though.

"I know but I don't think it's time. We should let him just be happy."

"And then when he's dying we tell him? Huh? That is fucking ridiculous!"

Leonard was silent and he swallowed thickly. He knew his friend was right but Michael was so happy. How could he destroy that. How could anyone rip happiness from someone else's hand. He could imagine Michael's face contorted in pain, tears staining his cheeks. There was no fucking way in hell he wanted to witness that.

"We need to give him this! He deserves to be fucking happy! Let him live like he's a kid! Like it's fucking recess and then afterwards h-he'll just go to sleep okay? Can't we give him that? A nice day in the sun before he rests?"

"No we can't we don't know how long he has, he could die to-"

"Don't fucking say it. Don't you fucking dare."

Lavernius nearly flinched at Leonard's worked up state, you could hear the anger in his words and that scared Lavernius. His friend was never this mad unless he was arguing about Allison.

"Fine! Don't tell him! When he's laying on that fucking bed dying you can tell him!"

There was no time for Leonard to say anything because Lavernius fled the scene, straight out the door. He heard the car start.

As soon as Lavernius stormed out everything was silent and Leonard didn't know what to think of that. The silence was deafening and peaceful and he didn't know which damn word described anything anymore. Nothing was functioning properly anymore, everything was falling apart and he had no idea how to fix it. That scared him. He felt scared and alone and childish. He wanted to fall into Allison's arms like when they were younger, happier. He shook the thought off, at least he tried to, he couldn't. Allison was always there, always in the back of his mind and that scared him.

She was gone and he was still in love. And that was terrifying because there was no way he could fix that in that moment.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

When Lavernius came back he seemed calmer, however he was still tense. Leonard sat alone on the couch, it was late, the house was dark. The TV was on. Lights played across the dark room and Lavernius took a deep breath. He found himself on the other side of the couch. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be. A silence settled over the two and Leonard knew Lavernius had forgiven him as much as he could.

Right now that was all he needed.

Because right now Michael was asleep, but he was content. And when he woke up he'd have another good day. Good day after good day until he was in his hospital bed. Lavernius had started to understand what Leonard was trying to say. To fill Michael with fear for the end of his life would've been a little cruel. He didn't deserve it. No one really did.

So, two friends sat on opposite sides of the couch, a silent TV played in front of them. They had forgiven each other, in the end they always did. Because without each other they wouldn't have gotten through a lot of things.

Lavernius had lost a kid. Junior. Kid was young. It was quick, and messy, and horrible. He tried to forget him.

Leonard had lost a love. Allison. She was amazing. It was quick, and painful, and surprising. He tried to remember her.

They both had been crippled by loss and they coped in different ways and neither was fit to really help the other but the kept each other alive. And for the both of them that was really just good enough.

Loss brought people together and Leonard weakly laughed to himself, awake long after Lavernius decided to go to bed. He decided that couldn't be true because once Michael died he wasn't sure he'd be able to meet Franklin's eyes anymore. He wasn't sure if any of them would ever be able to stay together. 

Michael was like glue, steady, solid. But now they discovered the glue was wet and wouldn't have time to dry before they fell apart.

* * *

Nearly thirty minutes passed, Leonard was now sitting silent in the kitchen. Footsteps thumped slowly towards him and soon the chair next to him was filled and Michael was leaning over towards the older man, poised to ask a question. 

"Church? Are you sad? Tucker said not to bother you because you were sad."

Leonard's brow furrowed, that was unexpected. But he decided fuck it. The man didn't have much time left so Leonard wouldn't leave his questions unanswered or wrongly answered. 

"Yes, sometimes."

"It it because of Allison?" After every word Michael's voice grew softer and more hesitant. After all, the last time he said that name Leonard had been so angry, so shattered. 

"Yeah, it is. I miss her." Leonard merely sighed and Michael wasn't sure if it was worse to see the older man sad or angry, for lack of better words that just weren't in his vocabulary. 

"Why don't you talk to her?" 

Leonard didn't really have a way to answer that. He still had her number, but after she left they hadn't talked at all. It hurt him to much to try and she was busy trying to live while he was busy trying to die.

"I don't know, buddy." Slowly, he stood up, joints popping. Gently he patted Michael's shoulder as he passed heading to the stairs. "Get some more rest."

* * *

"You still have her contact? Jesus fucking Christ!"

"I need to talk to her."

"Don't you fucking dare call her, you need to let her go!"

"I can't. I love her."

"You're in love with the idea of her! Strong, brilliant! Fucking hot! You can't possibly still be in love with such a raging bitch."

Lavernius growled the last word and Leonard's soft, quiet demeanor shattered instantly as his face contorted in anger.

"Don't call her that!" The older man's shoulders shook in anger and Lavernius almost regretted it.

"You need to learn to let go dammit!"

"I don't need to do anything! Everything's fucked up now, so let me have this! Let me fucking have this!"

"Have what! The fucking memory of a girl? She'll fucking ignore your call!"

"I need to do this. You don't fucking get it! I need to talk to her again!"

"You're going to regret it!"

"Then let me! Let me do it and fucking regret it! I need this! You don't get it, Lavernius, I can't stop thinking about her and it's tearing me the fuck apart."

Any words died on Lavernius' lips and his mouth fell shut as he stared at Leonard. 

"Fine."

* * *

It was Wednesday and the clock read 2:34 am, yelling itself at Leonard as he sat again at the kitchen counter, phone in hand.

"Are you going to call her?"

Michael's voice was a surprise and god he needed to stop fighting with Lavernius about Allison when Michael was home. The kid could understand some things and he was unsure if that was a good thing or not. So he sighed and set his phone down on the counter, turning to the younger man.

"I need to."

"Tomorrow?" Michael tilted his head a bit. He didn't really get it and Leonard didn't blame him for only knowing pieces. So he just gave a weak smile and promised something he shouldn't have.

"Yes, I'll call her tomorrow, buddy."

"Will you be happy then?"

"Maybe."

Leonard felt like he'd answered Michael as truthfully as he could. Maybe he'd be okay. Odds were he wouldn't. But maybe he'd be okay, maybe he would find what he was looking for and maybe the aching would stop. However he would soon learn that maybes were unreliable and chasing memories wasn't always good. Soon he'd learn that pain was not something with a simple remedy. He expected that much though. But for now a maybe covered it because Michael didn't really need to worry before anything even happened. So he stayed vague for that moment and rose from his chair, slowly heading up the creaking stairs and going to his room.

* * *

It had to be a dream. It had to be.

Because Allison was there and she was holding him tightly and everything was back to how it was and there were rude words and soft kisses and Leonard's chest throbbed with an ache and he felt like gasping for breath. Before suddenly she slipped away.

There was yelling and venom and Lavernius' words reached him. He refused them. He was not in love with an idea because Allison  _was_ amazing and she could be rude but she was never so terrible. But the yelling continued and Leonard's whole being collapsed, he sank to his knees, pain shooting through his thighs on contact with a hard ground. Allison's words were chanted in his ears, insults he couldn't quite make out and his chest heaved as he breathed through the pain and his body quaked and shook because when did anything hurt so bad.

She didn't mean it. She didn't mean it. She didn't mean it.

In a split second he was in his bed again and Michael stared down at him, eyes wide, worried. His breaths trembled and shook in his chest and he curled in on himself, he hadn't cried in front of Michael before. 

But his body convulsed with gasps and hiccuped sobs and Michael was yelling, chanting.

"Tucker! Tucker! _Tucker!_ "

And fuck Leonard could not not shaking. His vision was blurred and he heard Lavernius stumble in, David in tow.

"He had a bad dream!" Michael's voice shook slightly and Lavernius quickly steered the scared man from the room, mumbling something to David as he passed.

"Can you try to calm him down?"

* * *

Leonard hadn't stopped shaking but he managed to ask a question that David hesitated to answer.

" _My_ nightmares?" A faked laugh was breathed out, slipping into a sigh. "Old friends. I remember how most of them died, vividly. It's..unforgettable." A broken laugh fought its way out of his throat. "Especially the twins. And an old flame."

David swallowed thickly, a trembling hand rubbed at his freckled face. 

"Find something that makes them better, god, just do it. Don't try to live with them because they will destroy you," David's voice was small and he stared Leonard in the eyes. "Don't think you can fucking do it on your own, ever."

"I'm going to call her."

Leonard's voice was tinier compared to David's, small, afraid. The older man just gave a curt nod and promptly left the room, closing the door on his way out.

Shaking hands found his phone and soon it was unlocked and he was pressing on his only 'A' contact. His heart was beating uncomfortably hard against his chest and his throat was tight as he held the device to his ear. The ringing started and he started bouncing his leg, sat on the edge of his bed.

The fear engulfed him, swallowed him whole. He was scared as hell. 

But he needed to do this.

At least he kept telling himself that. He told himself this would help, make him feel better. By this point he started to seriously doubt that. And now his heart stopped, she picked up and everything froze.

"Allison?"

But suddenly that feeling evaporated and his chest swelled with butterflies and he swore he nearly choked out in surprise.

"Hey, Leonard. I thought you'd call."

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna start getting more centered around Caboose/Churboose soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REWROTE THIS, FIXED IT UP, MADE IT BETTER! c:  
> Italicized the quotes from RVB so yeah, I don't take credit for those.

"I need to talk to you again. I need to see you, Allison."

"Leonard-"

"Allison, everything's fucked to hell and I can't deal with it right now, okay? Someone's dying. I need this."

Leonard's voice was low and soft and he didn't fucking care how desperate he sounded because he was desperate. He needed to see her. Blonde hair tied up in a messy ponytail, single strands straying and playing, waving in a light breeze. Dark brown eyes and hell, he didn't care if they were glaring or not by this point. He needed to see her.

"Do you still live where you used to?"

Where you used to. Not where _we_ used to. Leonard swallowed thickly.

"Yes."

"Ten minutes. I'll be there."

There was a silence and neither hung up their phones. Leonard's breaths were a bit short and a hand raked through his dark hair.

"What are you hoping to get, Leonard? A pity fu-"

Allison, blunt as ever. Leonard almost laughed. Almost.

"No, fuck no. I just need to see you again, I need something to ground me."

"Fine. Almost there."

Minutes of silence still ticked on by and Leonard opened his mouth, words poised, ready to be spoken as he heard a loud noise and a thumb. A pained gasp found his ears quickly and he swore his grip would crack his phone.

"Allison?"

"F-Fuck."

"Allison?"

He voice had sounded farther away and Leonard strained to hear, hanging on all of her words as they started to spill from her mouth.

"L-Leonard, fuck." A sharp inhale reached the man's ears and he leaned forwards, as if he was trying to reach.

"Allison? What happened."

"H-Hey, Leonard." Allison let out a fake, breathy laugh. "It seems everything's f-fucked to hell and I can't d-deal.. with it right now. S-Someone's dying."

"Allison, no, no, hold on, where are you I'll call the ambulance. Hol-"

"I hate to ruin your day, but don't fucking bother, there's no fucking hope man." A gasping laugh tore from her throat. "I'd rather not describe it for you but I need you to tell me what you were going to tell me, quick."

"No, you'll be okay..you'll be okay.."

"Leonard.. _Ugh...I'm-I'm sorry, I'm just really...tired. And...I'm really tired_."

Chills racked Leonard's body and he sputtered, fighting for words. He couldn't believe it, this of all things? The one time he needed her to drive to him and there's a crash. They shouldn't have been on the phone, maybe she wasn't focusing on the road. He should've hung up, she could have already been here. Maybe he shouldn't have even called, he should have left her alone. Then this wouldn't be happening.

"Okay..okay. Then  _I need you to rest now_ , Allison. Okay?"

" _Oh, rest. Heh...I'd like that._ "

" _I thought you might_. I think..I think _I have to go now_.. _but...you just rest, okay? Goodbye_ , Allison."

"You know I hate goodbyes, Leonard."

"I know. But I think we need to say goodbye, okay?"

"Goodbye, Leonard."

"Goodbye, Allison."

A low click came from his phone as he hung up and the noise would probably hang in his head forever. So he set down his phone and stood up, movements mechanical as he walked to the desk, slowly gathering pictures of Allison, taking a look at each one as he gathered them. Soon a neat pile was on his bed and he gently placed them in a crumbling shoe box. Taking a shuddering breath he unlocked his phone and deleted the 23 pictures of Allison one by one. Finally he deleted her contact, not having one second thought. As he gathered the box under one arm and headed to the door, opening it, he found Lavernius standing on the other side. So he handed him the box.

"Get rid of it."

"How'd it go?"

Slowly the younger man took the box and met eyes with Leonard, cautious.

"Fucking terrible."

"Did you get what you needed from it?"

"I don't know."

* * *

"Church, why is Tucker mad at you?"

"Because..I didn't go to Allison's funeral."

"Funeral?"

"Yeah, she's gone now. I didn't go."

"Like when my dad left?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"Why didn't you go?"

"I don't know."

"Okay."

Michael's words were gentle on Leonard's ears, a break from Lavernius' anger only a few hours previous. 

* * *

"Church?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you loved Allison, right? Uh, what's love like? Like I love my siblings? Tucker said it was different."

Leonard sighed lowly and shifted in his seat at the counter. Three am was not a time to answer questions. 

"There's love like you feel for family or friends..and then there's a different love."

"How do you tell the difference."

"Trust me, you do."

"Is it like how Tucker loves Washington?"

"Yeah. And Dex- Grif and Simmons."

"Oh, okay."

Things grew quiet and Leonard puffed out a small sigh, letting a silence settle as Michael tried to fully understand what he had been told.

"How will I know if I'm in love?"

"You'll just know, buddy."

"I'm scared I won't."

Leonard was silent. What do you say to that? He felt his chest tighten a bit, Michael didn't deserve the life he got. He swallowed thickly and rested a hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"I'm sure you will, buddy. Maybe you can talk to Donut, I'm sure he could tell you a lot about love probably."

"Thanks Church."

Leonard felt an unfamiliar tightness in his chest when Michael threw him a grin and as he often did when he was confused, he fled. He stood and walked away, head spinning. Had Michael's smile always been that bright. Quickly, he shook the young man from his head, confused. Everything hit him so suddenly. Or maybe it was always there. No. It couldn't be, he was just lost, Allison was dead. He was just lonely or something like that... He couldn't like Michael.

He couldn't because Michael was dying and he could not chase anymore memories.

He knew he was going to lose Michael so no, obviously he did not have feelings for him.

Leonard wasn't an idiot.

But god, did that smile do a number on him. So he took a deep breath and made his way to his bed, falling on top of it, cheeks heating up. Hell, he was like a twelve year old again! So he shoved the feeling down but it just came back in waves, sudden, he didn't expect it. His heart felt heavy and he breathed out a shuddering sigh against his pillow.

Maybe he was an idiot.

But the thought of Allison was fresh on his mind and it felt wrong. It felt wrong to hold onto his memories while all the physical traces of her were gone. It felt wrong that Michael's smile made his chest tighten.

So he took a deep breath, he noted his pillow smelled dully of detergent still and heaved a sigh. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly, lost in his head.

"I forget her. I'm going to forget her. I'm going to let her go."

His chest ached and he pushed thoughts of her away and too quickly his head was flooded with thoughts of Michael.

And it hurt. But he remembered the tight hugs and bright smiles and it hurt a bit less.

It was getting better.


	6. Chapter 6

In no way did Leonard recommend losing someone you love and falling in love in the same day. Falling asleep had been hell. For most of the night he lay face down, cheek pressed against his pillow, his stubble scratched at the fabric and he noted his needed to shave. He breathed quietly through his nose and lifted his head to pull of his glasses, tossing them in the general direction of his nightstand. It was too hot and too cold and he ended up with his sheet wound around his right leg, groaning into his pillow.

Because by this point he could not stop thinking about Michael. He wasn't too sure of his feelings but hell, thinking of Michael was better than thinking of Allison. So at 4 am he decided that he was going to take Michael to the pool the next day. Summer was drawing to a close, it would probably be his last swim at a pool.

The thought gave Leonard chills. So he ignored it, like everything that scared him or hurt him. He ignored it and pressed his nose back to his pillow and closed his eyes because he didn't want to think about it, he wanted to _sleep_. Which, eventually, he did. 

However, as he slept he tossed and turned and he swore he woke up multiple times throughout the night and every time he woke up everything hurt and he wanted to leave it all behind because Michael was something beautiful and beautiful things were only destroyed. And Michael didn't deserve it. He didn't fucking deserve to have something eating away at him until he dropped dead. 

Leonard felt sick.

His chest felt tight and his eyes shot open. It was 10 am and his skin was slightly sticky from sweat. His sheets were still wound around his right leg but some managed to tangle around his waist. His pillow was on the ground and he just heaved a sigh. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore so he just managed to stumble out of bed, eyelids heavy. He walked, rubbing at his eyes, until he was outside of Michael's room. He knocked on the door, avoiding the cute signs he'd drawn with Franklin on printer paper using broken crayons.

"Church?" The door opened slowly to Michael in sweatpants and a colorful shirt that was a size too big for even his tall frame. Maybe it was just stretched out from the man pulling the garment over his knees whenever he would sit with his knees to his chest.

Leonard tried not to smile because no one should be allowed to look so damn good when they were dying.

* * *

The pool wasn't that crowded. And the whole gang had tagged along.

Dexter lounged on a chair, arms crossed behind his head. He wore swim trunks and a dull, orange shirt. He didn't really plan on swimming. While he didn't make it known, he was quite secretive of his chest scars.

Dick lay beside him, under their umbrella, eyelids drooping drowsily. They wore dark red swim trunks paired with one of Dex's smaller, gray shirts. Truth be told they were honestly a bit self-conscious about their small body, besides, it was always nice to just be near Dex.

Franklin wore a nice, frilly bikini type suit and sported female pronouns that day. The top came down to around the belly button and it came with cute pink shorts. She was currently in the more shallow side, abandoning sunscreen to add to her tanner skin tone. 

Frank laughed loudly as he played with Franklin and Michael in the shallow end, he could have abandoned the sunscreen, he didn't burn easily with his darker skin and they weren't going to be out too long. But he was always a worrier. Either way, he wore purple swim trunks and no shirt, not really minding his slightly chubby belly. He also didn't mind the droplets of water that coated his glasses.

Lavernius was in the deep end, thrashing around with David. He wore bright aqua swim trunks and a swim shirt. He'd had top surgery years ago but was always a bit secretive about what parts he had been born with.

David tried not to curse as Lavernius dunked him under the water, he looked kind of scary with that scowl. However he wore cat print swim trunks, not too intimidating. A sunburn had already started to turn his freckle spotted shoulders red and you could tell he wasn't that secretive about his body as you could easily see the few scars down his back. You could also see his black hair starting to gray early where it wasn't bleached blond.

Michael was starting to burn too but he had a huge grin as he splashed Franklin and Frank. He wore bright blue trunks and moved easily in the more shallow water as it wasn't up top high on him due to height. His light hair was soaked and he wouldn't stop laughing.

Leonard sat on the edge of the pool, feet in the water. He wore light blue trunks and an old tank top. His own shoulders were starting to burn and he huffed angrily at the fact. He knew he was probably going to have a glasses tan line but in the moment he didn't really care. Because Michael was just a little bit away, splashing around and occasionally carrying Franklin on his shoulders. She loved that. And Leonard loved how happy they looked.

Soon the sun was starting to sink and Leonard found himself being pulled into the pool and towards the shallower end as Lavernius and David passed and Michael took the beach ball they brought from Dex and suddenly he wasn't mad his tank top was wet. Dex and Dick even got up and got in, abandoning shirts, a big step that neither of them realized was big in that moment. Soon they were all in the cool water, shivering a bit. Dex threw his arm around Dick's shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss to their cheek.

And everyone laughed. And they were family. And everything was okay. (Even when Doc was hit in the nose with the beach ball before he promptly threw it to David.)

Honestly, Leonard felt okay in that moment but his stomach twisted a bit because it wouldn't always be this way. This wouldn't last forever. They would all scatter after Michael died. Blindly stumbling until they found something that made it okay. He didn't want that though. He wanted this to be forever. He wanted this stupid, fucked up family that he couldn't fucking have.

He didn't want to blame Michael, put part of him did.

He didn't want Michael to die, he wanted them to all stay together forever. But he knew they wouldn't. He knew he'd run away from his problems. And he knew Lavernius was shit at holding a relationship. And he knew that Franklin could be a handful. And he knew Dex and Dick would fight. But he hoped that they'd fucking stay together unlike everything else in his life because they deserved it.

No matter how much he yelled and bitched he loved these people and he wished he didn't because when it went to hell it would hurt to lose them.

* * *

As soon as everyone got home Lavernius and David scampered up to the younger man's room. Leonard merely rolled his eyes and pulled a drink from the fridge. He didn't know what it was but it was alcohol, so he didn't really care. 

He drank slowly and everything blurred softly and when Michael grabbed his hand and asked if they could have a slumber party in his room he found himself saying yes. Michael's hand was soft as he pulled Leonard to his room, already changed out of swimwear to the clothes he'd taken with. Their swim bags were laying forgotten on the kitchen floor. And when the door shut the noise was soft and blurred itself. Michael asked for a drink from Leonard's bottle and next thing he knew the man was making a face at the taste.

So Leonard laughed and sat on MIchael's floor, the bottle set beside him. And Michael asked for another drink of the laughing juice because his mom used to drink it and laugh after his dad was gone and he had no idea what alcohol was and that made Leonard laugh because who didn't know what alcohol was. And soon they were both laughing and their eyelids drooped as they leaned into each other, words blurring together, quiet and soft. And Leonard wasn't that drunk but Michael was and soon he found himself pressing Michael's back against old carpet and pressing their lips together.

It wasn't romantic. It was sloppy and their lips were covered in saliva and two minutes later Leonard scrambled backwards and stumbled from the room, short panicked breaths escaping him. 

Michael didn't understand so he set the laughing juice clumsily on his dresser and smiled because he'd heard about kisses and he wiped the slobber off his lips. He didn't understand because Franklin didn't tell him what kisses meant so he fell clumsily onto his bed and smiled because there were stars behind his eyes and the stars swam inside him and filled his belly.

And he was happy. Cheeks warm and eyes tired he rolled over onto his side and the smile didn't leave his face because Leonard's lips were soft and his hands were hard and he was something Michael couldn't figure out.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, lack of dialogue but I think it's fine because there's been a lot of dialogue.


	7. Chapter 7

The next afternoon when Leonard woke up his head ached and everything felt fuzzy. He didn't remember much of the previous night, only Michael. He remembered the soft skin of Michael's palm from when the younger man grabbed his hand but everything started to blur further from that point. He remembered letting Michael drink some and wasn't sure if he regretted it. Normally he'd keep alcohol away from the man, it was an unspoken rule of the house. But at this point? Fuck it. The man was dying and Leonard felt he used that a lot to justify things for Michael but he _was_ dying. Why deny him some alcohol?

Either way Leonard knew he had to stop laying in bed and get up and ready because Michael had to go to get a checkup again. The doctors had tried to tell Michael of his situation but he didn't get it and Leonard wasn't ready to explain it better. So with an aching head and loud steps he went to Michael's room. He knocked quietly and soon Michael was awake and quickly opening his door to smile at Leonard. He remembered the kiss, of course he did. It was assumed Leonard also remembered so nothing was said about it.

"Ready to go for your checkup, bud?" Leonard's words were quieter and the man thought about getting Lavernius to drive for a minute before deciding he'd be fine, his head just ached.

"Yep! Can we get ice cream on the way back?" Michael rocked on his heels and quickly followed Leonard as he started to head to the stairs.

"We'll see."

Michael knew to take it as a yes, these days Leonard had given him a lot of things. He wasn't sure why but it was nice! Finally everyone had started to play the games he made up and even the Reds started to talk to him more! _(Besides Donut of course, they always talked!)_ Life was just great.

So, they got into the car and Michael took the passenger seat, turning up the radio on a pop station and singing along, occasionally getting a lyric right. Leonard held back a laugh at that, rolling the windows down. The slightly cool, late summer air pulled at Michael's hair, blowing it in various directions that merely made Leonard smile. Slowly, he'd begun to realize how much of his life was centered around Michael. Not that he minded too much, the younger man deserved the attention. But he'd realized that he started getting Michael's favorite snacks, even if they were junk food. The fridge was also more full of fruity drinks and chocolate milk. The thought made him smile while it simultaneously tore him apart because Michael wouldn't be around to enjoy those things for too long.

"So, any bad headaches since last time?" Leonard asked the question as he parked, other symptoms he could easily notice. Sometimes, Michael's balance was off, or he'd move differently if certain body parts felt numb, and of course nausea was noticeable.

"Not really. Just a few kinda bad ones." He responded in his already different speech pattern, getting out of the car and closing the door a bit hard, he had always been a bit strong.

Leonard gave a short nod and as he walked up to the building with Michael he felt the younger man's soft hand grab his own. Thoughts of soft lips and drunk laughs flashed in his mind and he nearly froze. Did something happen? He knew he'd gotten a bit drunk, a dumb move on his part. Either way, he didn't pull his hand away.

Maybe it was selfish for Leonard not to pull his hand away, to not ask what had happened, to not explain what kisses and hand holding meant. But he let Michael hold his hand and yes, maybe it was selfish, Michael didn't really understand. But hell, he was smiling and Leonard didn't mind.

* * *

Michael's sleepovers with Franklin had gotten a lot more frequent and after a week of ice cream and hand holding with Leonard they had plenty to talk about. So on Saturday, at 11 pm they were laughing and smiling over at 'Red Base'. Frank had bugged them a few times about being quieter from where he lay on Franklin's bed, lazily reading a book. Eventually though, Frank joined them, sitting on the floor painting nails. Franklin wore a nice nightgown and sported female pronouns again, making sure that was clear to Michael beforehand. When it came to his friend he always corrected any wrong pronouns. Franklin always smiled at the effort, knowing it could be hard for the man.

"I think the blue would look best on you!" Franklin cracked a grin and took Michael's hand in her own before starting to paint his nails, slow and careful.

"Oh, uh, Donut! Did I tell you! Did I!" As always any questions were merely converted into cheery statements which Frank cracked a smile at, still reading his book, now just sitting on the ground beside his significant other.

"Tell me what?" Franklin glanced up with an excited grin, always happy to hear news from Michael.

"After we went swimming Church was drinking his laughing juice! And! And then he let me have some, it was kinda gross but it made me feel nice and fuzzy! But after that he kissed me! And I felt like I was floating, and there were stars when I closed my eyes, and! Oh, Donut! All week we've gotten ice cream and Church holds my hand!" Michael was left breathless after his recount of the week and he was smiling, oh god was he smiling.

"Really? Are you dating?" Franklin sounded a bit skeptical, she hadn't known much, but she did know vaguely of Allison and if Leonard was trying something funny he'd have problems.

"Dating? I don't know. Church just gets really nervous and quiet when we holds hands but he smiles a lot and oh, Donut it's great!"

Franklin and Frank shared a look and they both knew they would we talking to Leonard within the next few days because something seemed to be up and they weren't too sure that Michael should even be in any type of relationship. But, they were hesitant, Michael's happiness was something that was important to them. To all of them. So they kept quiet and returned to painting nails.

By the end of the night Michael's nails were a bright blue color that almost hurt to look at. Franklin sported a nice, soft pink color that easily complimented her bleached hair. Doc sported a nice purple that went nicely with his darker skin and hair. They weren't really up much longer before falling asleep, all crammed onto Franklin's bed in an absurd cuddle puddle.

Everything was soft and warm and Michael's chest was pressed against Franklin's back while her nose was pressed against Frank's shoulder. All of them had always had a close friendship and platonic cuddling was quite common for them. Michael loved to be close to people and sometimes Franklin needed comfort. Frank easily joined in the cuddling, he trusted the both of them. It had becoming something that they were used to and Franklin hated to think it would one day end. So for now she pressed against Michael and held Frank close before trying to sleep.

You had to make the most of life, of course.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many chapters recently! ;P

Leonard did not expect to be confronted by Franklin and Frank after David drove Michael to his next checkup. He didn't expect Franklin's hard look and crossed arms. Using male pronouns seemed fit that day, he seemed like all hard angles and intimidation. Not that those words couldn't describe a female or anyone else, but on his more feminine days he seemed to be more soft and gentle. On more masculine days Leonard could easily be convinced he would get beat up by the young man. He was a force to reckoned with.

"Michael mentioned something interesting." Franklin's lips turned downwards further and he leaned forward a bit, achieving the intimidating look. "Michael's been confused if you two are dating."

"About that-"

"I don't want to hear anything. I'm going to tell you right now you better not be using him okay? This is too far if you're trying to make him 'happy' there are other ways to do it. I don't know what's happening but neither does he." The man's eyes narrowed ever so slightly and he leaned back a bit. "But you need to figure it out and tell him. Quick."

With that he turned and left, Frank left to scramble after him and Leonard was surprised that such a small man could be so intimidating. And when Lavernius looked over at him from his seat on the couch Leonard was sure he was going to crack a joke.

He didn't.

"He's right. You need to either take the responsibility of being in a relationship with him or you need to do some explaining to him."

"You act like everything is easy, Lavernius, I don't know if I can-"

"Are you fucking serious, you fucking baby? What are you too fucking _scared_ -"

"Yes! In fact I am scared! After Allison I'm not sure what to do about this but I don't..I don't want to tell him I don't fucking want him!"

"If you want him fucking tell him that! If I hadn't taken a chance with David then-"

"Don't you dare fucking compare our situations! David was your fucking ex who came back fucked up because he's a damn idiot!"

"You don't even know what the hell happened with him. You need to fucking talk to Michael."

"You and David have it _easy_ compared to this!"

"Do we? Is it fucking easy to sometimes wake up to see someone you love terrified to sleep? Is it fucking  _easy_ to see someone you love destroy their body, see them with their own blood on their hands? To wake up to someone everyone thinks is so strong sobbing because he's scared?" _  
_

Leonard was silent, shoulders shaking because he knew he crossed a line. He knew he fucked up. But he couldn't help it because he was scared, he was scared of loving anyone else. He didn't want to hurt again and he spoke without thinking because he didn't want to be wrong.

"He's going to fucking die, Lavernius! He's going to die and I just want to feel okay and I can't." As he spoke, Leonard's words got quieter and his voice cracked at the end, fingers trembling as he held back tears because life wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair to any of them. Hell, Franklin always had a smile on his face and that was a miracle, the kid had been through so much and was always so open and welcoming. And now Leonard could practically see as he started to wall himself off, started to shy away more.

All it took was one sick man with a mop of blond hair and two differently colored eyes with a heart bigger than his smile. It took one man to tear everything they'd built for themselves down. And they all welcomed it, they held Michael close and pretended it was all okay.

"Just tell him." The anger slipped away from Lavernius as he gave his response. It was quiet and Leonard could hear a sort of defeat that seemed out of place. No one had won the argument. They were just two sad men in love with broken people.

Leonard said nothing as he turned and walked up the stairs with quiet steps. 

* * *

"Hey, bud." Leonard spoke softly and Michael flashed him a smile as the older man stepped into his room, closing the door behind him. He loved it when the older's words were soft, though he didn't mind the yelling because he knew they were best friends. Soft was just nice.

"Church!" Michael bounced excitedly in his desk chair, spinning it around to promptly abandon his coloring supplies so he could focus on Leonard.

"We need to talk." Stepping across the coarse carpet Leonard sat himself on the edge of Michael's bed, right across from him. He crossed his arms lightly and stretched his legs out, crossing them at the ankles. He swallowed nervously and focused his eyes on Michael's mop of hair.

"'Kay, Church!"

"Well, I know we've been holding hands and stuff. You know what dating is right?"

"Yeah! You kiss and hold hands..and you like the person a lot! And then you love them!"

"Yeah, that's it." Leonard forced a small smile and never had he wished more that Michael wasn't sick. Because god, he wanted to be with that man forever, if just to see that smile. "Well, I guess I'm asking if you want to date me?"

"Yes! Yes Church!" The words had barely left Leonard's mouth before Michael jumped excitedly from his seat and moved to practically tackle Leonard, pressing his lips against the older man's with a bruising force. He didn't mind much though as he kissed back until Michael pulled away seconds later, grinning wildly.

"I kissed Church!" He cheered, a light red tint to his cheeks and Leonard smiled.

* * *

Not much changed for everyone once Leonard and Michael started dating. Everything was basically the same except there were some kisses and a lot more hand holding. Michael also would usually crawl into Leonard's bed every night. At first it was nice and quiet and as Summer started to end and everything started to cool Michael's body was warm against him.

There were also nights eventually where, after having a few talks with Michael, Leonard would end up on his back, face red and panting. Michael would be on top of him, easily holding himself up with sturdy arms, his blond hair would be a mess. And then they would lay together, breathing heavily as they held each other, Michael pressing gentle kisses into Leonard's hair.

But those nights tended to be few and far between.

Either way a lot stayed constant. Michael's checkups. Bowling trips, or paintball trips, or zoo trips. Their fucked up family was still whole and the tension started to settle and fade as time passed. In short, they were happy.

But as time passed things changed ever so slightly. Michael grew a bit more scatterbrained and headaches hurt a bit more. A few more times a month he'd find himself sick, kneeling in front of the toilet. But they all tried to believe it wasn't happening, they rubbed his back and told him it was going to be okay.

Thanksgiving passed without anything big happening. When they casually chatted about what they were thankful for over dinner jokes were cracked. Dexter jokingly had said something about being grateful for 'well..Dick's dick' which caused chuckles across the table. That was one of their unspoken agreements, to not get too serious if they didn't have to. To basically being kids with houses and jobs. Sure, it didn't always work and there was strife and health issues but it gave them all something to hold onto.

Winter came quicker thank expected. Soon it was December 5th and there was snow outside, coating everything. No one had seen it coming. It was late that night, around 10 pm. They were all at 'Blue Base' in the living room. David and Lavernius were squished together on the left side of the couch. Dexter had sprawled out on the right side and pulled Dick into his lap, pressing a quick kiss to the redhead's lap. Frank sat on the floor, Franklin's head resting in his lap. Michael pulled Leonard onto his lap after the older man complained about sitting on the floor. And it was nice. They watched dumb movies until Michael wriggled out from under Leonard to go to the bathroom. He barely took two steps before he swayed and crumpled to his knees, holding his head and soon everyone had jumped to their feet, a reflex. David and Leonard helped Michael to his feet. The man just groaned, holding his stomach so David scooped him up, rushing him to the bathroom. It was almost comical, all the footsteps hurrying after him, stopping at the bathroom's doorway, waiting. 

Thirty minutes Michael was hunched over the toilet, dry heaving as Franklin rubbed his back. Spittle hung off his lip and he shuddered, eyes filling with tears, he tried to focus on the light pressure against his back. He simply slumped against the toilet, soft sobs shaking his frame as he weakly gripped at his head as he lifted up, the smell of the toilet making his stomach roll. Leonard was quickly kneeling by his side, wiping at his mouth with a washcloth, silent.

Soon Dexter took Dick home to get some sleep and Franklin reluctantly followed, pulling Frank along as well. Lavernius headed off to his room a bit later and David followed slowly, glancing back over his shoulder.

Leonard merely held Michael, the taller man sitting on his lap. The hard floor was making his ass go numb but he just didn't fucking care. He ran a gentle hand through Michael's mess of hair, the man was still crying gently.

"W-What's wrong with m-me Church?" The words were choked out between soft sobs and gasps for air. "Everything h-hurts I want i-it to..s-stop."

Leonard held the man, sobbing in his lap on the bathroom floor at 1 am and that was the third time he felt his heart break.

"Y-You're sick." Leonard's voice cracked and his fingers started to tremble so he merely ran his hand through Michael's hair again. He just wanted to man to go to sleep so tomorrow everything could go back to normal.

But he couldn't have that.

"Am I g-going to die?" Michael's voice was quiet and cautious. Low and shattered.

"Not now, buddy. Not now." 

Of course he couldn't fucking have that.

"I d-don't want t-to die." Michael's words were jumbled together and Leonard could barely understand him and he knew the man was falling asleep so he pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

Odds were that Michael wouldn't remember their conversation the next morning. But Leonard would. And to see the man you love so broken, wanting to live when he was going to die, was heart shattering, it left a physical pain in his chest. His throat had tightened and he let out a sort of low, strangled noise of pain. But he held back the tears because no one was dead. He couldn't cry yet.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Leonard could pinpoint the exact moment the ground started to fall beneath everyone's feet. 

December 6th. A thick layer of snow coated the ground. Everyone was outside, between their two yards.

Michael was bundled up in a big blue coat, hair stuffed under his hat. Leonard was in a lighter, gray coat and sported a scarf. Lavernius wore one of David's hoodies and a pair of black earmuffs. David wore a heavy black coat and a bright yellow hat. Dick had on Dexter's oversized, dull, orange hoodie and a scarf was wound around their neck. Dexter himself wore a black jacket and a black hat. Frank was bundled up tightly as well, his purple scarf stuck out against his dark coat. Franklin wore a stunningly pink jacket, complete with a matching hat, scarf, and mittens. (He also sported male pronouns that day.) They each stood closer to one house or the other, set up for a snowball fight. A little Red vs. Blue, even.

It was sort of their attempt to give Michael one last good memory. After last nights episode they knew he was reaching the end of his journey. But they all put on their best smiles and got to work making snow walls to hide behind.

Franklin threw the first snowball and hit Lavernius in the back of the head with insane accuracy.

"Ha! Tucker you bitch!"

"Fuck you Donut!"

The nicknames came easily to them now, they had learned to use them around Michael, something that made him happy.

Soon snowballs were flying and David nailed Franklin in the gut with one. He'd actually managed a smile at that. Stone faced David smiled.

"Just let me fucking hit you!" Leonard growled in frustration, throwing snowball after snowball, each one missing his target, Dexter. He seemed to be the easiest to hit as he moved quite slow and wasn't really trying to hide. Michael laughed at that, joining Leonard in flinging snowballs towards Dexter. Dick laughed a bit as his boyfriend was left unhit.

Dexter lazily threw snowballs back at Leonard while Dick tried to throw some at Michael, ultimately falling short. But they both just laughed because neither had ever been good at throwing.

Frank insisted he'd rather not fight because he didn't want to choose teams but soon David was being pelted with snowballs from the smaller man and David had actually started laughing. Lavernius merely grinned at that, exchanging fire with Franklin.

Soon everyone was laughing and it turned into them getting closer and just flinging snow at each other. Everyone was a shivering, sopping mess as they paraded into the Blues' house, stripping off coats and scarves, everything was left in a big pile. Just like a group of kids coming inside for hot cocoa, leaving the clothes for mamma to pick up. They all huddled together in the living room, on the soft carpet, shoulders pressed together. They sat in a circle and shared a mess of four blankets stretched between them as they warmed up and played a dumb game of 'Never Have I Ever'.

Due to Frank not drinking and everyone not really wanting Michael taking in alcohol they decided they'd eat a marshmallow if they had done the specific thing in play during the game.

Lavernius kicked it off with a, "Never have I ever dyed my hair." Leonard made sure everyone knew to keep it pretty clean.

David huffed at that and popped a marshmallow in his mouth, Franklin did as well, surprisingly Dexter even took one, receiving a few raised eyebrows. He merely muttered something about a phase.

The next person in the circle was David. "Never have I ever worn a bikini."

Leonard was the only person to take a marshmallow that round and soon they erupted in laughter.

Michael was next. "Never have I ever had a puppy!"

David took a marshmallow as well as Dick and Lavernius.

Leonard went next. "Never have I ever..broken a bone."

David grumbled and took another marshmallow, Lavernius and Dexter both also took one, along with Frank.

Somewhere along the line it evolved into chubby bunny, but who was surprised.

Michael managed four marshmallows before whining and attempting to chew them all. Lavernius managed six while David fit seven. Frank fit two before backing out and Dick only took three. Leonard managed five and Franklin and Dexter were battling out who could fit more. Franklin had to stop at eight while Dexter managed ten. Everyone laughed and Dick teased him affectionately. 

This eventually evolved into other various games, like two truths and a lie.

Dick started of. "I had straight A's, a detachable leg, and a _wonderful_ boyfriend." Dexter chuckled and merely gave his partner the finger before he went next.

"I'm from Hawaii, I have a little sister, and Oreos are gross." 

"I grew up on a farm! Hm, I hate cuddling..and I bleach my hair!"

"I love tomatoes, I hate the color purple, and I'm in nursing school."

"I'm a ladies man, I have a dick, and David is my lover boy."

"Tucker, come on, you can't have _two_ lies."

"Oh, fuck you, Wash."

"Cats are like my family, I bleach my hair too, and I think Tucker is  _so cool_."

"Now Wash, you know the rule, you need a lie."

"Suck a dick." Everyone laughed a bit at the boyfriends bickered a bit.

"Church is my best friend! Donut is also my best friend! And Tucker is my best friend!"

"Harsh."

Michael laughed and Lavernius cracked a smile.

"I wear glasses, I had braces growing up, and I'm right handed."

As that game drew to a close they were all grinning and laughing and finally warmed up. The night was drawing to a close and at 11:34 pm, that was when everything fell apart. Leonard just wished they could have had a little longer for everyone to be happy a little bit longer but suddenly Michael was gripping his head and everyone was scrambling to their feet, getting shoes and coats. Michael was wrapped in a blanket and picked up by David. Lavernius grabbed the keys to his beat up blue minivan and everyone was hurrying to the car. Lavernius was in the driver's seat, opening the garage and starting the car. Michael was set on the backseat and Franklin and Leonard sat on either side of him. Frank squeezed onto the middle seats with Dexter and Dick while David hopped in the passenger seat.

"Drive."

Everything was a blur and Franklin was crying and Michael was rushed inside and soon everyone was in the waiting room together. Eyes tired and afraid.

"He's going to die."

Leonard couldn't even function who said, only what was said because the full force of the situation hit them. Michael was going to die, soon. And Leonard couldn't take it. He was the one to talk to a nurse as soon as he could about Michael, leaving the rest of the group sitting and silent. 

Franklin cried quietly and Lavernius started silently at the ground. The air was tense. No one knew what to say. Dexter bounced his leg and Frank actually got up and started pacing.

So when Leonard walked back over they all jumped up.

"We'll be able to visit him tomorrow morning."

Everyone deflated and the car ride back to Blue Base was silent. Without a word they all went inside and organized a mess of pillows and blankets in the living room. They all slept near each other and Leonard realized, as he started to fall asleep, that this was probably one of the last times this fucked up family would be near each other. But he just soon fell asleep because he was tired and tears dampened his lashes.

So he just slept.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The sensation was scissors and too much to scream, so instead I started to laugh." - The Antlers (Shiva)

Michael looked small in his hospital bed. His blond hair stuck up in different directions and he was pale, eyes closed. Asleep. It wasn't peaceful it wasn't beautiful nothing held any sacred, quiet beauty anymore and looking down at him Leonard felt sick. This wasn't the man he knew. It was someone else so he sat down in a chair and rested his hand in his hands because he knew this would happen, he knew that no good could come from loving a dying man.

But when Michael woke up Leonard stood up and approached his bed, holding the man's hand tightly. He gave the weak man an equally weak smile and Michael was scared. He was terrified so he held onto Leonard's hand, tears burning in his eyes.

"Hey, buddy." Leonard's voice was weak and he felt his chest twist up because god, it hurt.

"Church..what's h-happening?" Michael's words had a slight wheeze to them and his breaths were quick.

"I'm so sorry..you're dying..Michael, god I'm so sorry.."

The reality hit Michael heavily and when he heard his name spoken he actually flinched and his eyes were wide, breaths ragged. Tears gathered on his lashes and his other hand moved to hold Leonard's wrist.

"No, n-no..Church..no..I don't w-want to die!" Tears met his cheek and his lip trembled as he spoke, voice not merely cracking but shattering completely as he stared up at Leonard.

"..Caboose.." Leonard caught himself and he used that name, hoping to calm the man down a bit. "Please..calm down.."

"I don't want t-to die..C-Church what w-will happen when I die..? Michael's fingers trembled against Leonard's hand and he moved his hand to the taller man's cheek, pressing their foreheads together gently.

"I don't know. You..go away."

"I don't w-want to l-leave yo..u.." Michael hiccuped as his shoulders trembled.

Everything was silent except the beeping of monitors and Michael's ragged breathing and choked sobs. So Leonard held his hand tightly and eventually the crying stopped and together they silently waited for the others to show up.

* * *

Somehow they managed to fit all of them around Michael's hospital bed as evening rolled around and Michael grew weaker with each passing moment. Lavernius and David stood back a bit with Dexter, Dick, and Frank to give Michael a bit of breathing room. Franklin held onto to one of Michael's hand and Leonard held the other. A growing pain was stuck in his head and he ignored it, keeping a tight grip on consciousness.

"Donut..can you tell me another story?"

"Of course, Caboose!" Franklin grinned widely but his lip trembled a bit. "I ever tell you about the first day I was a girl?"

"No, tell it!" Michael wheezed out a quiet laugh and Leonard almost flinched.

"Well it was just..really weird, I mean, it felt right but it so different! I was 21 and that day I had gone out to the store and I was all dressed up in a dress and even a wig. My fingernails were purple that day..and I had the cutest tights ever.." Franklin smiled and let out a short laugh. "That was the first day I had met Doc..well we didn't meet until later really and he didn't recognize me from the store because I looked so different as a boy."

Michael smiled weakly up at Franklin and all of the sudden he was blinking back tears because it really hit him that Michael was dying. The best friend he'd ever had was being ripped away suddenly and painfully so of course he was upset.

And suddenly everyone was at the beside as Michael dropped the hands he was holding and held his head instead and there were tears and he tried to smile at Leonard but instead he was gasping for breath and he was reaching for Leonard and their were nurses showing up and Leonard realized then that he couldn't do this. He stumbled backwards and towards the door, Michael's voice reached his ears, broken and gaspy.

"Church! Churc..h..c-come back! I need..y-you.." Nurses were at Michael's side, working to put him under but he struggled and his friends watched, David almost grabbed Leonard's arm as he passed but he didn't. He had no right to tell Leonard to stay. He couldn't say what Leonard could handle so he let him go.

Leonard was out of the room when Michael's voice started to grow weak.

"C-Church! C-come back..L-Leonard.."

Leonard was in the hall and out of Michael's sight when he started to cry because he could hear it, Michael's gasps as he went under and then the silence afterwards. Michael was dying yes, but really by this point he was dead in everyone's eyes because he would not wake up again. Leonard was moving through the halls quickly, trembling and wheezing as his chest twisted and he found himself in the parking lot and he was in his car before he knew it. As he pulled out of the hospital parking lot he saw Lavernius' van and everything was too real and it hurt too much and he couldn't scream, his voice wouldn't be able to bear it so he laughed.

He laughed because he was so stupid, thinking he'd come out of everything okay.

* * *

So no, Leonard wasn't there when Michael took his last breath. But Franklin was and Frank too. Dexter was there and Dick and Lavernius. And David, too. They all stood close together, Dexter held Dick tightly when it happened and they were the first to leave, taking Dex's car home. Later Franklin would come to notice that their things were missing from the house. They were gone and that would hurt him.

But right now what hurt him was Michael's still body and soon he was yelling and screaming and Frank had to remove him from the room. Pulling him by his arms from the hospital, from the room but the way his boyfriend had gripped at Michael's shirt, shaking the limp body was there when he closed his eyes and they held each other in the parking lot.

David and Lavernius stayed, silent beside Michael's bed. They stood there for five minutes before Lavernius merely turned and left, David slowly followed after.

And like that Michael's body was alone. And so was his memory. There would be one who would be able to tell you about Michael J. Caboose because they would never speak of him again because he'd given them a look at what a beautiful life was and like that it was gone because Michael was unfortunate enough to die.

No one knew where Dexter and Dick left to.

Franklin moved away promptly to New York. Frank watched him go with a pang in his chest but he needed to stay for school. He didn't stop him.

David and Lavernius cleaned up the house, Michael's things and Leonard's things were dealt with.

Leonard never came home that day. He left with only what he had in his pockets.

* * *

Leonard never saw Michael again besides in his dreams. He didn't regret what he did but he wished he hadn't broken Michael in his final moments. He wished that he hadn't made Michael beg for him back.

He didn't go to the funeral.

Leonard just tried to wake up every morning. But he could barely even sleep because he'd close his eyes and he'd hear it.

"Leonard."

And damn, it hurt because he'd broken everything, he'd broken Michael's little game. He hurt him, he made Michael cry and yell and beg.

Michael may have hurt him but that paled in comparison to how much Leonard had hurt Michael. In his final moments he showed Michael what it was like to die just before he did. The pain Michael had felt, the desperation in his voice. Leonard knew he messed up and he couldn't fix it so he merely tried to wake up every morning.

And he tried to forget Michael J. Caboose. He tried to forget everyone he had loved.

Because there was no damn way they'd ever forgive him after hurting someone so terribly.

 He knew even he couldn't forgive himself so he forgot his friends and everyone he'd come to love. His chest tightened and everything hurt and he was crying like a baby because Michael had been special and he didn't deserve that and he was yelling. Leonard was yelling and screaming for ten seconds before he collapsed in on himself and was silent and nothing was okay anymore because Michael was dead and he was alone.

The world was not a beautiful place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listened to Shiva - The Antlers and Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms while writing this out.
> 
> It's done, thanks to everyone who read it. <3


End file.
